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🧵 Thread (18 tweets)

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

there’s a thing i did, especially around people i was attracted to to nervous around, where i monitored how they were responding to what i was saying and only spoke if they were interested this was unnecessary and damaging

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

hanging around @crystalxduan, she just says stuff. and if it doesn’t land, she moves on. but she gives people a chance to bond with her, about something she might not have shared otherwise

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

she’s responsive to whether the person is interested, but on a macro scale, or the micro second-to-second scale

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

she goes a bit beyond what was explicitly asked, and backs off too when needed macro-empathy, but not exhausting, neurotic micro-empathy

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

she doesn’t say things the other person might not be interested in. but she’s not catching herself second-to-second either. she’s letting the conversation breathe

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i would only say something if it felt like i had the “go, i’m interested!” signal it’s a kind of micro-empathy, that can be really cool sometimes, really exhausting other times https://t.co/MTqJHOjh8R

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it’s *honest* and *kind* and *respecting* to not monitor so closely to not assume you can know such things before they have happened to trust you can repair rifts easily, not try to never make them

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

boundaries are dynamic around sensible people https://t.co/udEbnNv5nP

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• about 3 years ago

@visakanv ooo. this reminds me of this king of a thread @ElodesNL posted on boundaries which single-handedly made me way less neurotic, confused, more confidence, etc? stuff is dynamic around sensible people https://t.co/lg9aIQiBsy

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

said another way: do not be scared of saying something your conversational partner might not be interested in, because you don’t want them to be scared of speaking the same way

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

something about us speaking unashamedly can open up people to share more of the same

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it’s different from blabbing. if i get the idea you’re talking at me without checking if i’m listening, that’s the kind of non-existent attunement that makes saying anything to you feel useless

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

but the whole speaking and not feeling ashamed, not feeling neurotically concerned with getting “go” signals to speak- that’s really lightening

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

to keep a focus on the macro container, to allow people gentle opt-outs, but to trust people to manage their boundaries https://t.co/A53UsQJ1b4

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

trust people to manage their boundaries, but also make it easier for them

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

leaving space in the conversation, to check if they’re interested, to allow them to opt out, or to evoke their own curiosity — that is good but talking into the void a bit, as a bet, is also good https://t.co/wkAPAIiOuh

Visakan Veerasamy@visakanv• about 3 years ago

feeling rn that some amount of delusion is like borrowing $. optimal amount of debt is not 0, but it should ideally be good debt that increases your capacity/power to create

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

said in yet another way: starting conversations is a lot like starting a fire if it doesn’t work you, you leave it alone but the start might be sharing a bunch of stuff until something catches but you don’t really know if it’s going to work out

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

this is one of the differences between confident men/women and less confident ones can they tolerate that uncertain, ambiguous period. walk away if not. but make a bid that says, “maybe there’s something here” https://t.co/MTqJHOjh8R

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

be ready to wind down if it doesn’t work out, but a little bit of it can get something started

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yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• almost 3 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

said in a fourth way https://t.co/mysMFzcAfS

yatharth in asheville@AskYatharth• about 3 years ago

i was very neurotic about not making asks, or initiating conversation, if i didn’t get signals from the other person they’re into it but this can be unnecessary and damaging

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