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Locking my account because I am linguistically retarded and don't want to get attacked for what amounts to autistic's rigidity in language + issues with hyperthymesia.Emotionally reactive right now.I hate being silenced because of this.https://t.co/9NRlGS1hh0
My disability seems to make it particularly hard to not be ablest. I often have to read words from my mental imagery to speak or remember things. Its miserable in a world where people get hurt by language. I hurt people and I don't know how to avoid it. https://t.co/KCPmb1wnO5
When I see things in my minds eye, I will often quickly recall everything I've seen on the topic. it flashes uncontrollably. So when I see something on a medical topic, I start seeing everything I've ever seen about topic.It is maddening. Like ADHD distractibility on steroids https://t.co/sFExF4iIYF
I also get very excited if it's an 'autistic special interest'. This fucking sucks sometimes. Like in looking up limb developmental problems tied to drugs, I literally get pictures of every single dolphin or whale flashing before my eyes when I think developmental stages.
The word "flipper" & "fin", + various permutations of it echo thru my brain. I get a fucking chaos from the term "dorsolateral fin" or "pectoral fin" which further spirals in to thoughts about dorsolateral brain regions and parts of ship anatomy.It floods in uncontrollably.
I start thinking about video games like Deeeepio, 'thulian sea monsters, that weird thing where some guy was giving LSD to dolphins. Then weirder thing where someone was masturbating them. Strange scenes from 3rd encounter movie because of an obscure twitter thread.
It's like entire synesthetic webs of connections light up.If you saw me in real life during it, you'd see what amounts to a schizophrenic person pacing around muttering to himself + acting out physical manifestations of language.I have to write to get them out of my head.
If I feel really bad about this, I can shut down my memories. The stress & anguish makes me not be able to think any more. I can stop using those words.But I have spent years of my life suffering w/ memory issues and problems speaking. If refuse to do this, am I the asshole?
I had "flipper development" up on a browser tab.I am literally trying to reverse autism associated congenital problems associated with my body shape. All my limbs are stocky and I think it is directly tied to crohn's problems thru the gene pathway that controls this. https://t.co/dLSE5KPZR7
You don't think I know what it means to be made fun of for how you look? Of course I don't want use this term. Its mean and cruel and hurtful.I have literally 28 years of my life wrapped around dolphins/whales cuz I watched Free Willy on repeat when I was 7 as an autistic stim.
There's a epigenetic associated pathway that can make people grow fins? That's FUCKING AWSOME to me. I instantly 'sperge out. And then I hurt people's feelings cuz I am fucking retarded.A few years ago I'd be suicidal right now from this. Now I'm just upset.
And now I can't access my external brain because twitter search doesn't work on my account while locked.I have no where to outlet my excitement, and am just frustrated and angry at myself and and the world.And the person is right. I shouldn't use the term "flipper".
How do I talk about mammalian developmental homology and limb development related genetics without talking about fins? I don't think *I* can. https://t.co/5fMSOGYm4O
Please be patient.I have retarded autistic psychopathy.I'm sorry.https://t.co/W5TCdHlRx6 https://t.co/DWHZlu4OdB
Your trauma about how a word makes you feel is not as important to me as trying to end my own suffering and fixing my health issues that plague me.Our disabilities are incompatible. There is nothing I can do to appease you if you refuse to help me come up with another term.🛑
Check your Physical Disability Privilege:If I had a physical deformity, I probably could have gone on disability. Instead I've basically living on $100-$200 in donations ~8 years.I literally ate dog shit to fix my problems. Kindly fuck off with your language policing.
I also just realized that person was sealioning. Looking specifically for search terms around that disorder and commenting.Either they are very troubled, or very hurt by some random autistic dude talking about it. How shitty of a situation.
Thank you for your comments everyone.I went to bed a bit later and I feel less bad and the anger has subsided.I think I will do this in the future. https://t.co/HuCyZmD1yi
I guess I am still not entirely immune from shame and internalized guilt yet. https://t.co/MpNCgXCpb7
I still feel a sense of lingering tragedy here."Visible conditions can give some clue about the impairments a person has, but there’s also a huge(and growing)population with recognized invisible impairments, which need to be recognized and respected" https://t.co/ftEWlKwGfs
"I was different in a way no one could or would explain to me, but nevertheless made me wrong and broken, without any larger context. […] profound confusion and gaslighting of this is the main issue I have had to deconstruct in order to heal from my past" https://t.co/7Ype4Tuyjv
*breaths out*This too shall pass.https://t.co/nGeuHgH3QU