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With a heavy heart, I have a life update to share: that I’ve come to clarity that I need to end my 3.5y marriage with @SarahAMcManus. While she’s one of the most amazing people I know, I’ve realized that I don’t feel like a romantic partnership is right for us 💔
This took a lot of soul-searching & clarifying, because on so many levels we were more of a match than I’d known possible. I had to tease apart many dimensions of our marriage: - purpose-oriented partnership - spiritual/cosmic bond - romantic dyadship - coparenting possibilities
It’s the hardest decision I’ve made in my life, but when I finally recognized the embodied sense of incompatibility I’d been denying/fighting, & realized it wasn’t going to change... I knew it wouldn’t get any easier if I waited, & I didn’t want to get even deeper in (eg kids!)
I feel awful that Sarah uprooted her life to be with me & made a huge bet on our relationship that’s now falling apart. I strive to be someone people can wisely bet on. At the same time, I’m proud of myself for having the courage to do it now rather than in a few years w/ a kid.
We tried really hard to make things work, in the face of internal & external challenges. Numerous friends have told us that our dedication & creativity has inspired them. Through being married, I’ve come to appreciate the catalytic power of the shift from “whether” to “how”.
As my sense of the meaning of marriage deepened & evolved, I also found the limits of that power—it requires a shared felt sense of the “what” for which there’s a “how”. Sarah & I share a sense of humor, and have a ton of resonance on big picture levels: purpose, principles, etc.
In trying to focus on the big picture stuff, I’d been shushing part of myself that was trying to say… it’s hard to put into words but something like “this is not how a romantic life partnership is supposed to feel, for me”.
It wasn’t a conventional romantic life partnership, even for an open marriage. During our engagement convo, S said ~"this doesn't preclude either of us having as close a bond with others", which was about both non-monogamy & about larger-scale purpose-based bonds.
I wanted so much to be close with Sarah that I bet on us changing or some larger whole emerging in which the feeling of incompleteness would now feel complete, but this attitude was fundamentally non-accepting of each of us, and of reality.
Scaling samesided relationships is a puzzle we’re still deeply interested in. I still think it’s possible, though at this point I’ve been thoroughly humbled by the incredible challenge it is to do with even 2 people.
I love Sarah tremendously—I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I’m looking forward to seeing what she does in her life and can speak highly of her as someone willing to go the distance in a committed relationship and get to the bottom of the tangliest of misunderstandings. 🙏
@Malcolm_Ocean I'm sorry, Malcolm 🖤. the effort and care you're describing that you two put into making it work is beyond inspiring. I hope you find the time and space to grieve and move forward. it's been a long process for me but I am thankful for it.
@SurenVynn 🙏 I'm glad. I hadn't thought much about it until it was right in front of me, but being the sort of person I am, I then thought about it A LOT. And some of that thinking was confused (as it always is) but I feel like I've also gotten useful insight in the process
@SurenVynn it's a deeply fascinating and important topic https://t.co/7ZKCdrQv1q