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fwiw I got past/through my people-pleasing stage by transmuting “I want everyone to like me and praise me” into “I want to earn the respect of people I respect” and “I want to earn my own respect”. There are some external parallels – still get praise – but internally totally diff
@visakanv question: what connection if any was there between you developing clarity about your own goals, and this transmutation? I.e. guessing the more clarity you had, the easier it was to earn own respect; the less clarity the harder
@forthrighter hm I’d answer this by talking about my exp walking away from my old blog It seemed in line with my goal of being a public figure etc, but I was internally frustrated by how it felt like I was letting the audience direct/decide my moves it’s that frustration that forced clarity
there comes a threshold where you get stuck if you want everyone to like you, because you *can’t* please everyone; what pleases some people displeases other people. So you have to choose. Not choosing is also a choice and it’s one of the suboptimal choices
there *is* a funny moment where you decide you’re okay with people misunderstanding you etc and you embody a calm spirit of “I don’t give a fuck what you think” and the result is that people like you even more for it, lol
it’s also clarifying to articulate for yourself who are the people in your life that you respect the most. I noticed that I respected people who were willing to be the dissenting voice when they saw something wrong. So I figured I’d respect myself too if I did the same, and yup
I respect people who persist. I respect people who are patient and kind when they don’t have to be. I respect people who listen. I respect people who aren’t easily swayed by prestige and accolades. So I sought out such people, spent more time in their mentions, and it rubbed off
So the cool thing is even with 35,000 followers or whatever, there are ~20 people whose opinions I really care about. My wife is one of them. My ex-boss is another. Some of my mutuals here. Some people I’ve never met. Some who’ve been dead hundreds of years, some aren’t born yet
It’s also pretty useful to work backwards. Imagine it’s your 90th birthday. Who do you want around you? What do they see in you? What would you be proud to have done? How would you be proud to have lived? What can you do now to live up to that?
Ever since I was ~17 years old, with each passing year I’ve earned more of my own respect than the last. People can sense this. It’s not something you can fake. And yeah ofc there are moments where I regret my actions and wish I did better. But you dust yourself off and you learn
And tbh I regret my inaction more than my actions, 10x–100x more. The actions that I do regret are typically things I’ve done thoughtlessly, reactively, impulsively, in haste. I have never regretted any action I’ve taken thoughtfully – even the ones that led to some bungling
Would be lovely if this thread helps someone along their own path. But it’s fine if it doesn’t. Most of what I write is for the younger version of myself who desperately wished to have someone like me in his life. And as long as I continue to be that person for him, I’m good 🤗🙏🏾
oh yea and I’m writing a book for him, should be done any day now… https://t.co/pWry0ENt5I