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i very much fucked up this date entire time, my stomach was sinking. “i don’t understand why this person is on a date with me” it’s remarkable because i hadn’t felt that for two years https://t.co/VJ76dy2xGm
ive had that feeling of im not worthy to date such a well-adjusted, competent, thoughtful person before and i ended up dating that person for two years it’s kind of a privilege to be talking to smn i feel dumb talking to about almost any topic. talking till 1 or 5am keywords: N
i needed an answer to that question i couldn’t understand why they were with me. it didn’t make sense. i wanted to run away https://t.co/8YHD7lwIVp
part of growing up is being able to admit myself: “it sure would make sense to have fun right now. and for whatever reason? it’s not. maybe i leave” https://t.co/FSwePbp9Vm
even if it’s “““my fault”” im not enjoying this, my psychological block—shit man, it doesn’t matter you’re not having fun previous me had this idea that if it was “my fault” i should stay there and i should be having fun wasnt acceptable to leave because of some “my issue”
so it wasn’t fun the first date was painful every second until the second date, i thought about her a lot. both appreciatively and in pain second one was painful too. there wasn’t a third it made me sad that this happened
last time i felt this, it was my college partner felt the same sense of “she is so much fucking smarter than me. i feel outclassed in every single conversation. i have no idea what i offer to her” we did end up dating for two years, though it was always an open question
i don’t think there *was* an answer to that question for her in the same way there was for me “what does she appreciate about me” she was just going with the flow. https://t.co/5DhDnD6VET
i feel it with a particular mutual as well her way of thinking just feels . . . magic to me luckily, she’s just a friend, so the pangs of pain are low, but i do feel it with her “what do i have to offer her?? why does she want to keep talking to me? i don’t understand 😢” https://t.co/UgPZxyNtwv
maybe with the pain i feel, i can interpret as a very simple desire. the desire to feel comfortable and loved by the people i most love & admire among the confusion i feel, maybe i can feel something clearly: that this isn’t fun and i don’t want to feel this again
it’s almost like . . . i place them on an intellectual ladder and i place them higher than me and i get very freaked out if i don’t feel i can contribute at all because there is such a thing as higher/lower and if i don’t contribute, im absolutely not smn worth being around
“do you think this could have anything to do with being a gifted child” https://t.co/EhX6LmQkFA
h/t @ExGenesis https://t.co/PoTQ0ZLssG
