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i think there are easily 10's of times throughout a given day where I quietly give up on the possibility of getting what I want "give up" is a particular mental motion. it feels like having my hand slapped away from something i was reaching for.
it's distinct from "oh, actually this is more work than I thought, i want to do something else" or anything that has a sense of reflective-okayness or comparison between possibilities it's very much a "flinching away" sort of thing i be giving up all day every day
having my hand slapped away is such a resonant comparison that's the first part, and the second part (which can happen with varying levels of intensity) is a sorta "shutting off of my agency". a holistic dimming of my being so has to not have loops that push me into another slap
it very much mirrors what it was like being a kid. extending tendrils of agency into the world, getting slapped by an adult (normally verbally), feeling stuck, and escaping the pain of being stuck by trying to turn my mind off
@ElodesNL strong commitment/conviction to be on the same side as "the rest of me" when i do notice helps make space for it. yesterday i noticed it bcuz i was feeling low, and realized that i "do I want to feel better?" did not get an unqualified "yes!" drowsiness & lethargy are indicators