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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

people-pleasing ≠ wanting people to like me that’s just being human.

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

people-pleasing is more like . . . forgetting a sense of what I want. wishing someone likes me. while hating me/not having a sense of self of myself to like anyway what is this “sense of self”?

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

screenshots are from the last episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion this wasn’t philosophical for me. this felt real—more real than anything i had ever known this was my experience https://t.co/G174zLIuId

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

10yo: distinctly remember, thinking often and over and over again “huh. there’s something interesting about my brain. it’s like . . . i don’t render other people in very high-fidelity. the part of my brain simulating other people is in super low-res”

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

“it’s like . . . the only thing in my world is really me: my world, Wikipedia, online, IRC, the internet. the only thing in my world is me, and so since everything is me, there isn’t really a me” it was v hard for me to think of a sense of self

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i think that sense of self comes from being defined against other people. who *you* are in relationship/contrast to other people

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

none of this had import it does to me now at the time i would *say this* to people. they’d just sort of nod i just sort of abstractly noted, “huh. interesting. i don’t really have a sense of self

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

“people just come into my life, and i have to figure out what inputs to give them so they get what they need and then they leave again” but still . . . i had no real sense of “them” (or “me”). it was more a very abstract thing! what inputs to feed them

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i have friends, best friends, cliques—but it felt nominal to me i never understood why i’d want to actively talk to anyone i knew IRL! unless it was playing board games or learning or problem-solving about something

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i had emotions maybe sometimes (though they didn’t show on my face), but even when i cried . . . it felt actively manipulative. “oh, this tear thing is happening. if i say this now, other people empathise this way”

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

it mostly felt morally confusing. did other people just not have a meta-cognitive voice around crying?

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

as i began to absorb the concept of *other people* into my mind, it just became part of me. no separation. i got good at it, in v particular ways.

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i went to a different high school. found the first IRL friend i really really wanted to talk to, understood why i’d want to actively talk to other people IRL in college, understanding “vulnerability” and “intimacy” and gaining those with people, but still . . . sth felt weird

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

there still wasn’t that much of a sense of separation. it was still “this is my entire mind, and now other people have become better modelled in it . . . but what is me?”

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i still don’t know what is me i still don’t know what is me what is me is what is separate from others and also it includes the hearts of others https://t.co/KJn4fPfVlR

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

question for me rn: from the way i see it, im just unusually crazy. this is not normal, most people are not relating to Neon Genesis Evangelion this way

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

this seems like is has a lot of truth (a lot of the other NGE fans and people don’t seem to have these kinds of issues), but also seems like it may have less truth or a different truth than it seems

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

in retrospect, how did i not expect to turn out so unusual/wonky given the early 0–14 life i had i think we think just because our personalities look sort of similar on the outside, our inside mental lives are pretty much the same

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

i am now realising the tremendous depth of phenomenological diversity people are swimming in seas of qualia and feels and life-meanings completely foreign to me. bodies foreign to me, mental depths foreign to me. yet that i can co-explore https://t.co/DnQFh2vF0H

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• about 4 years ago

Good principle to keep in mind when meeting crushes: you don’t know anything about this person.

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yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

my tentative answer then is now: my experience is not normal. it’s super weird. it’s also not super weird that it’s weird. having this kind of strange, abnormal experience is not that unusual https://t.co/35JACVWbH8

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

question for me rn: from the way i see it, im just unusually crazy. this is not normal, most people are not relating to Neon Genesis Evangelion this way

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

weirdly enough, tweeting about this does give me a sense of self this is who i am, and it stays that way . . . whether you think one way about me or not

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9/15/2021

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• almost 4 years ago

Replying to @AskYatharth

this is still a story. like any story, it has an aspect of reality to it and an aspect of non-reality the reality aspect is that it really does feel true the non-reality aspect is that it really isn’t the total or totalising truth https://t.co/3OhSLkLoyD

yatharth ༺༒༻@AskYatharth• about 4 years ago

2. i complicate things construe ego-narratives about shadows and public faces and that when really man, maybe im just feeling a bit humiliated, or a bit upset https://t.co/u2cOvIBEj7

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