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had a good object level discussion about a topic in The Discourse today, and it brought up a bunch of meta level feelings i'm going to express rn it feels super important to express meta feels to get a sense of being understood (though object level should come immediately after)
having a reduced ability to think and communicate is EXISTENTIALLY TERRIFYING to me cuz deep seated beliefs that I can't trust other people to have my back, and the only way I can be safe is to rely on my mind, to think clearly and outsmart and outmaneuver threats
the culture wars seem to more or less be a straight up war, and some people seem to be telling me "Come on, we need to fight harder and WIN against [thing I also think is *aweful*]!" but here "fighting harder" sometimes seems like "use nerve gas on civilians"
or, to be more literal "Fight harder by sacrificing your ability to use language for thought and communication, in order to get an edge on the enemy!" I feel compelled to make the Geneva Conventions of the culture war, because how the battle is being fought is too triggering*
and l SO want to get rid of the horrible corrosive and oppressive shit that's permeated everything for most of history but like... for most people asking me to fight with them 1) i don't trust "your side" to take care of me 2) YOU WANT ME TO FIGHT WITH NERVE GAS!!
in another thread I outlined more of my history of "no group can be trusted to have my back" that is deep, and is only slowly starting to change it's a core wound that shapes how I orient to all of this https://t.co/ifCxKszTzv
i haven't threaded before on "i can only count on my mind to keep me safe" but it goes hand in hand. it's also a product of me and my history. it's gotten a bit less terrifying to rely on things besides my mind, but the thought of a threat to my thinking still feels RUN AWAY
when I sit down and think about it carefully, i still end up thinking The Discourse corrodes language and that that is very damaging and I want to stop that, but all of that thinking and theorizing is distinct from the existential trigger of THREAT TO MY MIND
so if I'm ever talking with you about The Discourse, know that there's at a minimum two generators within me hopefully the part that's terrified will be able to be calm and give inspiration to the part that can do a better job of checking truth ❤️happy culture wars everyone!❤️