🧵 View Thread
🧵 Thread (17 tweets)
for much of my life I thought of myself as an outsider weirdo. what i didn't realize till much later was that I had worked very hard to have the role of "outsider weirdo that everyone still likes an is cool" i have an allergic reaction to ACTUAL weirdos https://t.co/CXqHi3s18p
the SSC quote that can never be mentioned enough https://t.co/n7D9xcofgQ https://t.co/ftDgHC9Imr
i hated them so much. why the fuck would you spend time with people who didn't even want to listen to you? why would you ever give others that much power over you? this was the formation of my "be so effortlessly impressive that others just give you attention" personality
i still feel inside me a vast cold ocean of fury that refuses to give any pity/empathy/help to men who seem weak. and in turn, that's how I feel like I am to be ultimately judged. and it's disgusting and horrible and i hate it
this weekend kicked me hard enough that I lost the "fuck you". i was just left with the sense that being weak meant dying and going "welp, guess I'm dead" in concrete terms, this meant I was able to relate to the song Creep without ironic distance
"i wanna be special so fucking special but i'm a creep i'm a weirdo i don't belong here" at any other point in my life i would have GAGGED a the thought of directly experiencing any of those feelings, let alone singing along/
/but whatever loops i'd been using to resist those feelings in order to not be repulsive had been broken, and i was just directly feeling being weak and repulsive and pathetic for maybe the first time ever and it fucking sucked so bad
@natural_hazard (This is all too "damn" for me to have any advice or even an opinion to give you rn, but I just wanted to say I really appreciate that you wrote about this, and publicly too! I think it's a really relatable problem and I'm grateful to see someone open up about it and discuss it.)