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this connects to a Values thing. I value living fiercely and with strength, and I haven't really been living like that the past few months. i've been doing lots of things that I like and enjoy, but I haven't been that strong
the delicate dance is how to reconnect with strength in a non-ego mind way. i've written before about how i used to be hella strength bent, and past long while has been reconnecting with emotions and noticnig what's been hurting me. https://t.co/cXl0arJNs8
the longing I'm feeling rn feels very me and very personal. it's a desire to experience the vitality that I've been familiar with, but has been slipping away over quarantine. contrast this with other "aaah I need to get stronger!" bouts more focused on legible achievement
two days ago i was like "eh I'll do as many pushups as I feel i can do" and did 10 last night in a fluster i did 50 pretty easy this tells me my baseline for "how much resistance means I should quit?" has drastically dropped
this sorta thing is hard to sort out in a goals mindset, so shout out to @edelwax for introducing me to thinking in terms of values. rn i've got no spark for fitness goals. but i do for "living with strength and overcoming resistance"
part of the past 2 years journey has been cultivating a delightful softness in myself and sharing that with a few people. i didn't know how to integrate that with hardness and strength, so i mostly put those aside to focus on the thing that was new
i had REALLY good discipline. then I intentionally dropped most of it and just freestyled. for a while I've distrusted discipline, but in many ways I was using it to crush certain parts of myself. very ego-mind. lots of judgement
given that's how i related to discipline, my new softness has been HELLA wary of anything similar. i've healed many divides within myself, and don't want to fall back into the illusion that yelling at myself is not self-harm/destructive https://t.co/ys3EqWbOYQ
i think i've got a decent foothold on regaining strength/discipline in a non destructive way prev egoM: do it me: this is haaaard egoM: DO IT now *intent and focus on something i truly want* me: this is haaaard reflective me: here's everything i can do to help you thru this
hhhhhhhhhm this is a really interesting shift! instead of responding to a cry of difficulty with a motivational message, respond with literal task assistance often the wrong move when dealing with others, always(?) the right move when dealing with yourself
examples you literally cannot do the thing unless you have a "ghost movement" of it already simulated in your head "it's 6am i dont waaana get up" broke: holding "I should get up!" in my head woke: holding a visual of me getting up and putting shoes on https://t.co/krQN12PAZZ
ha, what do you know, this is exactly Inner Game of Tennis :) verbal commands is how ego-mind orders. they don't assist, they just apply more pressure images, attitudes, and simulations actually prompt and assist the doing self
other relevant piece: i used to feel like I needed an *end goal* in order to strive and stuggle. I needed a *purpose* to fight for stuff since then i think I've gained to fight on behalf of myself. *I* want to be strong. *I* like feeling unstoppable.