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might fuck around and make this my new crying spot https://t.co/IEFhJVQKH4
not something i want to spend too much time ruminating or complaining about but it really fucking sucks not having anyone whose arms i can collapse into always feeling like i have to take care of myself, never getting to relax and be taken care of
i started out with a little improvised nature meditation and that was good. acknowledging and being aware of and soaking up the trees and the water and the dirt and the plants. the soft animal of my body seems to love and need nature
when i had my big emotional breakthrough or w/e in 2018 i was extremely hungry for social interaction for months, i just needed contact with other people so badly, *and* i was surprised and delighted to find that trees could substitute for people. i could feel them and i loved it
i had spent basically my entire life up until that point indifferent to nature so this was a big shock. that was the first time i really started to notice how unpleasant it feels to live in a city, surrounded by concrete, etc. but otoh i was also tripping out looking at flowers
anyway doing the nature meditation today was very peaceful and it naturally led into noticing the feeling of starvation. i was feeling starved for many nourishing things. plants and animals and touch and love and care and community and did i mention touch? oh boy touch
i've been feeling starved of a lot *and* i was pushing down those feelings because they hurt, and now that i've cried them out and given them some voice 1) i feel a lot better and 2) it's a lot easier to feel gratitude for what i do have
i have the ability to cry things out when i really need to. that's big. there's a kind of invincibility i permanently feel in the background because of that, a sense that i can eventually metabolize any emotion that arises in the course of my life
this isn't even what i was expecting to cry about today. there's other stuff around responsibility and doing and creation that's coming down the pipe and i've been avoiding dealing with it for somewhere between 1-3 years and i trust the meta-process. we will see what happens
this feels like the right order. i couldn't confront the way in which i want to be doing more and taking on more responsibility without first confronting the way in which i feel exhausted and like i can't possibly do more or take on more responsibility