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FOUND IT ok so some stuff about me: i'm very bad at asking for help, ignore my needs to take care of my partner's in romantic relationships, am terrified of criticism / displeasing people / making mistakes last night found something underneath all that: "i don't matter"
"what i want doesn't matter" "how i'm feeling doesn't matter" this is what i learned from my parents; this is the water i grew up swimming in i got *almost* all the way to sobbing just repeating those; really strong bodily reaction (tremors, shakes) and tears
what got me all the way was starting to remember + take in specific times when people cared how i was feeling, which i named individually out loud: "sara cared how i was feeling, michael cared how i was feeling, @Malcolm_Ocean cared how i was feeling" (thx ❤️)
this has been a pattern in my sessions lately: that acknowledging something "negative" i've been feeling for a long time doesn't quite generate a full reaction, but explicitly contrasting it with its "positive" version does e.g.: https://t.co/UucfE2svms
guys literally only want one thing and it's someone to tuck them into bed and kiss them on the forehead and bring them hot choccy and read them beddy-bye stories but you can't even finish the story because he bursts into tears and ugly cries into your warm embrace
unfortunately this was an emergency session at 2am prompted by beginning to read Running on Empty and i didn't have a better place to do it than a nearby tiny park surrounded by houses, and i woke someone up who was like "you're being loud enough to wake up everyone" 😳
so i had to go without being quite done but i was mostly done? and i felt... less bad about it than i normally might've maybe? who knows! like i get it, everyone has to wake up for work and school, but still: https://t.co/mna6VpZTdG
there are way too many houses near where i live. no easy place to walk to to sob your brains out at 3 in the morning. it is too difficult to explain to anyone who might overhear that something purely good and healthy is happening and that they do not need to worry
this is probably the biggest thing that's come up in any of my sessions with myself so far. i'll be a different person if this properly integrates. already feel quite different big thanks to @FioraAeterna's thread on Running on Empty: https://t.co/C0tHs8WUCC