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I'd like to say something difficult and nuanced about the intersection of gaslighting and neurodiversity. The fact is that autistic/ADHD/dyslexic/bipolar/etc people are gaslit *every* *day* by people who love and care about them. https://t.co/t7WGtQXJoP
As an autistic person with ADHD my literally experience of reality is very different from yours. For instance: my memories of conversations, for instance, rarely use words - I remember what I intended to say, and what I understood the other person to say.
If I later try to recall this conversation it's not possible for me to use the same words originally used. I don't remember them. But to someone who doesn't understand, it looks like I am gaslighting them. "I told you X, how can you tell me I didn't?! Stop gaslighting me!"
Do you see this trap? If me speaking my truth with the purest of intentions is "gaslighting" then my options in the interaction are constrained to: 1) accept someone else's reality, overwriting my own 2) not do that and be seen as abusive and shitty Who is being gaslit?
I try not to get angry about this stuff. I recognize that communication problems happen *all the fucking time*, they're a given in my life. I *assume* that a communication has failed until and unless I see evidence to the contrary.
The neurodivergent people in your life who *insist* that they remember things differently? They're not gaslighting you. They actually *do* remember things differently. And maybe you need to take that into consideration when interacting with them.
This is hard and shitty! It's fucking awful to have someone with RSD constantly assuming that you're shitting on them when you're not trying to. But also *they are not gaslighting you by having that experience they are suffering deeply and probably trying to please you*.
This is so frustrating when your kid just won't listen, right? You *know for a fact* he is objectively wrong about something but he *insists* he's not. What do you do? Hint: it's not *force him to conform to a reality he's not experiencing*, that will destroy him.
Your autistic spouse promised they'd do something and then they didn't. Now you're upset. But now they're telling you they never promised to do it! They're not gaslighting you - they are expressing a place where communication has failed and asking for clarity.
I *know* it's so, so hard to deal with this shit. I know it's crazy-making to have to second-guess things that you probably consider obvious and non-controversial. I know it's easier to believe we're gaslighting you than to believe that we could miss something SO OBVIOUS.
But so many of us are doing the best we can, ignoring our own needs to the point of physical breakdown, gaslighting ourselves to avoid upsetting you and silently just dying inside. Please don't tell us we're gaslighting you before you try to understand where we're coming from.
Turns out we're humans, and like other humans some of us are pretty fucking shitty people. None of this is black and white. But you are surrounded by people who don't share your reality, and the degree to which they don't overlap is not intrinsically abusive or malicious.
This is 100% true and correct, yes! It is *crucial* that we extend this same courtesy to others. https://t.co/S6hGiJ3jwM
This. Both parties have to agree to assume good-faith and make the effort to bridge divides in understandings. The instant either side doesn't want to play anymore the game is over and conflict reigns. https://t.co/FDSAQ7Mu46
This. Trauma makes every situation into a zero sum game where you feel like it's life or death. You think that to give the other person even an inch of understanding is to take away from what you need. Maybe it's even true sometimes. But we gotta try. https://t.co/kmlzGQRvjJ
THIS! One of the best tips my therapist ever gave me is that you can validate someone's experience without agreeing with their conclusions. This is *necessary* and if you're not doing this you're the one who is gaslighting someone. I'm sorry. It's hard. https://t.co/VAerjAX2Mn