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That bullying thread has had me thinking about my own bullying experiences and I realized last night that I've massively underestimated their impact on me. I was severely bullied almost daily for most of my schooling, and I literally never think about it. That's a clue.
Last night I was journaling and all of this shit came pouring out. I enumerated years of indignity and abuse, and I acknowledged in many ways for the first time just how not okay all of it was. What a complete wreck it made of my ability to trust anyone.
Because as feel-good as that thread about somebody speaking up for me was, it sticks out because it's literally the one time I remember it happening. When I think about those years, what I really think about is how nobody. would. help. me. Not parents, not teachers, not friends.
I think about my parents explaining that of course I'm bullied, I have such an awful personality. (Again, I was an undiagnosed autistic. I needed support, not judgment.) I think about my schools punishing both me and my bullies equally when I fought back against them.
I think about the friends who thought it was weird but who weren't going to stick their necks out on my behalf, because then they'd be the bullies. And I think about the classmates who could have said something, but every day chose not to.
It also made me realize that two of the interpersonal family relationships that I struggle with most are with my dad and one of my brothers, both of whom I think of as bullies. That's the source of my unrelenting antipathy towards them.
And I'm reading the Pete Walker CPTSD book and it's blowing my mind on every page with its #ownVoices advice about dealing with the sort of damage that happens in the face of sustained trauma. I feel more seen by this book than almost anything else I've read.
He says recovery has 3 components: 1) Cognitive - learn that the negative inner critic your abusers installed in you is not to be trusted. 2) Physical - heal the damage caused by sustained adrenaline, clenching, eating disorders, addiction. 3) Emotional - grieve your lost years.
He says a lot of people will promise miracle cures, solve your PTSD with CBT or with Yoga or whatever. And that those can both help, CBT especially with cognitive healing and yoga with physical. But that you have to treat all three, or you're not out of it.
I'm also increasingly convinced that autistic and other neurodivergent people are at high risk for CPTSD when young, simply because caregivers may not understand how to meet their needs. And unmet needs in early childhood are where all of this starts.